Bullying on
Campus
Dr. Lisa Hardy
Chief of Psychiatry, Children’s Hospital
of Oakland
“Being bullied is not just an unpleasant
rite of passage through childhood. It’s a public health
problem that merits attention. People who were bullied
as children are more likely to suffer from depression
and low self esteem, well into adulthood, and the
bullies themselves are more likely to engage in criminal
behavior later in life.”
Dr. Duane Alexander, Director, National
Institute of Child Health and Development
We all want our children
to learn in a safe environment, but sadly, bullying is
common on our campuses. Polls show that nearly half of
children have been bullied. A bully can make going to
school a nightmare for a child. Bullied children may
have low
self-esteem and
depression. The bully may go on to other
antisocial behavior as a teenager and adult.
Fortunately, there are
things we can do to help reduce this problem. First, the
school district takes bullying very seriously. Various
school events and classes focus on bullying and
solutions to address the situation. Second, several
excellent programs, such as PEP (the Parent Educator
Program), are used in the schools in Castro Valley. PEP
focuses on how to make intelligent choices and how to
avoid or diffuse negative or dangerous situations.
Finally, we as parents can do a lot to eliminate
bullying.
Bullying knows no
gender. Girls can bully just as well as boys, although
boys tend to be more physical. Bullying is one part of a
spectrum of behaviors that starts as harmless fun and
goes on to teasing and ridicule and finally to bullying,
both emotional and physical. Victims are excluded from
activities or the subject of rumors. Race, ethnicity,
and sex can be involved. Weight problems, eye glasses,
and other physical features might be used against the
victim. Cyber-bullying is a new manifestation. Children
use email, instant messaging, chat rooms, and camera
phones to harass victims.
Children can be exposed
to bullying in many ways. They might be the victim. They
might be witnesses to the bullying who are indirectly
victimized. Or they might be the bully themselves. It
is also not uncommon for children to change roles- at
times being the bully, at times being the victim and at
other times being a bystander.
The
Victim
The bullying victim
isn’t always obvious. A black eye is easy to spot, but
emotional bullying isn’t always. The child may be too
embarrassed to talk about it. But there are some signs
to look out for. One of the easiest changes to look for
is avoidance of certain activities or school itself. It
is not normal for a child who normally enjoys school or
favored activities to begin finding reasons why they can
not attend or need to leave early. Additionally,
unexplained head aches or stomach aches may indicate
that a child is not feeling comfortable at school and
now has induced a physical reason why they can not
attend. Problems with sleeping, eating, bedwetting,
irritability, and poor concentration may also be
indicators. Lastly, any changes in personality such as
mood changes, depression, anxiety or inflexibility with
routines are also important clues.
As in all things,
keeping in good communication with your child is
important. Listen carefully to what they say. Talking is
a great comfort to children. Talking about things in a
more general way might make it easier for your child to
talk about her own experiences. Be supportive. Your
child is already feeing vulnerable to the bully. Don’t
belittle their feelings. Don’t get angry. Be positive.
Reassure the child that he isn’t responsible for the
bullying. Explain that bullies often have problems that
they don’t know how to handle.
Here are a few
suggestions to give your child.
1. Try to ignore the
bully. Acknowledge that this can be hard to do. Explain
that the bully wants to get a reaction from the victim.
If he can’t, he is likely to lose interest.
2. Stay away from the bully. Encourage them to play with
other children and stay in a group.
3. Tell an adult. Go to a teacher, playground
supervisor, guidance counselor, principal, or parent.
Castro
Valley Unified School District takes bullying very
seriously, and they have an excellent and progressive
system for handling bullying. Don’t hesitate to speak to
your teacher or the principal. They will want to help.
The By-Standers
By-standers
also suffer from bullying. They have to watch their
friends being bullied and live in fear that the bullying
will turn on them. Consequently, they may exhibit some
of the same symptoms as the victims. Bystanders may also
suffer from guilt caused by not helping their friend or
diffusing the situation. The guilt can lead to the same
intensity of feelings of sadness or anxiety noted above
for victims.
Here are a few
suggestions to give your child.
-
As
above, have your child brainstorm ways to diffuse
the situation – suggesting that someone go get an
adult or walk away can be very helpful.
-
Encourage your child to acknowledge any feelings of
guilt and apologize to their friend. An apology and
forgiveness can go a long way to offset feelings of
guilt.
The Bully
The bully is
someone’s child too. If the bully turns out to be your
child, don’t panic and don’t become defensive or angry.
Your child needs help, and you are the best person to
provide that help.
Children
aren’t natural bullies. They harass other children
because they have a problem that they are unable to deal
with. It could be a problem at home, at school, or
another place. Some of them have been bullied too. They
often have low self-esteem. They see picking on others
as a way to deal with their own problems. It helps them
gain acceptance and feel more important, popular, or in
control. It is a rare child who becomes a bully only
because they like the sense of power to make other feels
bad; however, if they are not redirected in this
behavior they can learn that being a bully can be very
gratifying in some ways and continue the behavior.
Talk to your
child calmly and reassuringly. Ask what is going on, if
he has problems at school or with other children. Ask
what he thinks about being known as a bully and how he
might stop. Let him know that bullying is a serious
problem with serious consequences. Explain that they
should be respectful of all children. Additionally, as
always, a bit of self examination is important as well.
Is your child modeling behavior that they have seen at
home or in their larger family circle –using a slight
bit of fear and intimidation to have their needs met?
Most behavior is learned and while it is often from
sources outside the family including the media it may be
coming from within.
You may need
some help in understanding your child. There are many
resources in the community, including your teacher and
principal, school counselors, pediatrician, and mental
health professionals.
Conclusions
Although, as Dr.
Alexander noted, bullying has been a “rite of passage,”
it is not a rite that can not be replaced with other
rituals that convey the same sense of mastery and
confidence. We owe it to our children—the bullied and
the bully—to make sure they have a safe environment in
which to learn and grow. Together with teachers and
principals, we can do that.
Additional Resources
US Department of
Education
In depth discussion of
ways that teachers and parents can recognize and deal
with bullying.
http://www.ed.gov/admins/lead/safety/training/bullying/bullying_pg3.html#myths
American School
Counselor Association
“If you grew
up and are functioning in American society, you can
probably provide your own definition of bullying and
have had some level of personal experience with it.
Bullying is an all-too-common human activity that has
existed since the beginning of recorded history and is
present in most cultures.”
http://www.schoolcounselor.org/content.asp?contentid=282
California Department of Education
Provides
resources for educators, parents, and community members
with tools for recognizing bullying behavior and
approaches for determining how to respond.
http://www.cde.ca.gov/ls/ss/se/bullyres.asp
